Is There Hope For Our Most Significant Relationships?

Yesterday I took advantage of the beautiful fall weather in Santa Fe to do a “walk and talk” with a good friend and colleague. We spent time catching up on our respective business practices as well as the latest and greatest updates related to the Birkman Method. As the walk progressed, we eventually transitioned into a discussion about the challenges clients face in finding and maintaining healthy primary relationships. Since both of us have been trained in the field of psychology, we spoke about the work of such researchers and theorists as Harville Hendrix, John Gray, John Gottman and Gay and Katie Hendricks.

What I found most interesting about the conversation was that, regardless of theoretical orientation, each researcher seemed to place importance on integrity, communication, connection and boundaries. Given this apparent consensus, I found myself wondering how is it that people acquire these skills and traits. I guess if you were fortunate, you had parents who modeled these behaviors while you were growing up. What about those people who weren’t so fortunate?

“In Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry by age 50. Healthy marriages have been shown to be good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.” [Adapted from the Encyclopedia of Psychology]

Part of the answer to the earlier question lies in the statistical data. A significant portion of the population hasn’t learned how to be in a healthy relationship. Furthermore, having been in an unhealthy relationship doesn’t seem to be a strong enough impetus for people to learn from their mistakes. As a society, this presents us with a bit of a quandary. Without a conscious and deliberate effort to be different, we are likely to perpetuate a dynamic of unhealthy relationships for generations to come.

My hope is that as a society, we can start to become more curious about the impact of integrity, communication, connection and boundaries on relationships. I believe that curiosity, coupled with action, is our only hope for ensuring that our children’s futures (and relationships) are healthy ones. As a psychologist and wellness consultant, I feel very fortunate to be able to share my training and experience with others so that we might all live a more joyful and fulfilling life.