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Wellness

Blueprint for Living

Blueprint for Living

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It seems like I can’t go a day without reading or hearing someone talk about the benefits of mindfulness and living in the moment. On a practical level, I wonder what this means to the majority of the population. What does mindfulness get us exactly? How is it going to improve my life? These are questions that I think many people consider as they entertain the idea of living a more mindful existence.

Yesterday, I was working with a client who wanted to be more intentional in her daily living. She described feeling increasingly pulled by the demands of work and family and recognized that her life was not her own. What we discovered during the conversation that ensued was that she lacked a framework for making choices or decisions that were in her best interest in the moment. Consequently, she continually found herself being coerced into meeting the needs of others and never really giving much thought to what she wanted or needed.

In my work with clients, this “pleasing” dynamic is all too common. “If I can please the people around me, I will be happy.” Does this sound familiar? As a society, I believe we have turned our happiness and fulfillment over to others. We have set up our lives to feel fulfilled if, and when, the people around us are happy. It’s not surprising that so many of us walk around feeling “less than” or “not good enough.” The reality is that we have made our happiness contingent upon pleasing others – a very disempowering dynamic for sure.

Don’t be discouraged, there is hope! What my client discovered yesterday is that living mindfully is not a sufficient condition for feeling happy and fulfilled. In fact, without a clearly defined plan, changing one’s current situation is nearly impossible. It was at this point that we began to consider the following questions:

What are the needs you have that you rely on others to satisfy?
Can any of these needs be met by you?
What keeps you from meeting these needs yourself?
How would your relationships change if you were to meet your needs instead?

As we worked through these questions, it became apparent that my client had been harboring significant fears and anxieties that had fostered an unhealthy level of dependency on others. I could sense the beginnings of an awareness that my client could lead her life differently. Her model for living had been based on either deferring her needs or convincing others to meet them for her. This was the opening that we needed to bring the focus back to her needs and wants.

The next step in our process was to clearly identify and articulate my client’s needs and wants. Initially she struggled with this exercise because she had never felt like it was okay to focus on herself and what she needed – somehow this was viewed as selfish. In giving my client permission to embark on this exploration, she expressed feelings of freedom and optimism. Our session concluded with a homework assignment focused on identifying her hidden wants and needs. The following are a few of the questions that I asked her to consider before our next session:

What do you wake up wanting to do each day?

If you could only do one thing today, what would it be?

What makes you happy and leaves you feeling fulfilled?

What are you truly good at?

What matters most to you?

I chose to share some excerpts from this coaching session with you because it highlights the importance of having a life plan or blueprint for living. When we clearly articulate what we want and need in life, we are able to make healthier and more conscious decisions in the moment. Disrupting old patterns of behavior can be challenging, but it is made considerably easier when you combine mindfulness with a clear vision and course for your life. Having a trusted coach or advisor to support you can accelerate your journey towards greater happiness and fulfillment.

Holiday Blues

How to Avoid the Holiday Blues

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Can you feel it coming? The excitement, the anxiety, the stress and maybe even the dread of the holidays? For many of us, the span between Thanksgiving and New Year’s has become a time of frenetic doing rather than a time of connection, reflection and being. It’s curious to me that despite our awareness of this chronic period of “doing”, our preparation and response doesn’t seem to change from year to year. We know better, but we can’t seem to BE better.

Like you, I am all too familiar with the chaos of the holidays and the emotional crash that often occurs on January 2nd. I have adopted some practices over the past few years that I would like to share with you. My hope is that you too can experience the real joy of this season and carry it forward into the year ahead. Here are some of my practices in no particular order:

  1. Take time to reflect on what your goals are for the season BEFORE the season begins. Setting an intention for the season gives it purpose and a specific focus.
  2. Make exercise a priority each day. It helps you to deal with the stress of the season and it gives you the energy to manage the increased emotional demands that often accompany family get togethers.
  3. At the end of each day, take a moment to record 3-5 things for which you are grateful. This is also a great way for you to stay focused on the intentions you have set for the season.
  4. Create memories. Giving gifts is nice, but creating memories lasts a lifetime. Each year, my family picks one special activity or outing that we do together. The point is that we are spending quality time together and experiencing love and connection.
  5. Reach out to someone in need. The holidays can be a lonely and depressing time for some people. Consider how you might create a positive memory for someone else. Don’t overthink this one. You would be surprised how impactful the simplest of gestures can be during the holidays. Let someone know that you are thinking of them and that they matter to you.
  6. For those of you who are accustomed to gift-giving during this season, consider making rather than buying a gift. You will feel a sense of accomplishment in creating something and the recipient most likely will appreciate the gift even more. There are numerous online resources to help even the most creatively-challenged individuals. Pinterest and Instagram are great places to start.
  7. Manage your expectations. December is a month like any other. It’s not more or less important and what you do this month doesn’t make or break your year. Realize that the commercialization of the holidays exists to inspire consumerism. You don’t have to get hooked by all of the hype. When you start to feel overwhelmed by the frenetic energy around you, take a moment, close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths. This is a practice I use year-round and I find it especially helpful during the holidays.
  8. Live within your means. Overspending and overextending contribute to the post-holiday blues. Your self-worth is not determined by how much you spend on yourself and others. You might be surprised to learn that being fiscally responsible feels good and helps you to start off on the right foot in the upcoming year.
  9. Stay on top of your work obligations. The holiday season is not a license to disregard your work responsibilities. Businesses operate 12 months out of the year, not 11. Your continued efforts throughout the month of December help to insure the health and wellbeing of your organization.
  10. At the end of the holiday season, evaluate how you did overall. Did you stay true to your intentions for the season? If you did, CELEBRATE!! If you experienced some challenges, take a moment to reflect on what derailed you. Maybe even write down a few notes for next year. None of us are perfect and we are all in the process of learning.

I hope you find these tips helpful in navigating the hustle and bustle of this holiday season. Please feel free to message me with your own thoughts and suggestions on how to avoid the holiday blues. Happy Holidays!

Making a Difference

Making A Difference

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Just recently, I assisted a highly accomplished business woman examine her current “state of affairs” and gain a clearer perspective on where she wanted to be in 5 years. During our initial conversation, it became apparent that she was not making herself a priority. While she gave 110% to her work, she felt discouraged that she did not receive validation and a sense of personal worth from her employer. I helped her to understand that her employer had an entirely different agenda – increasing sales and maximizing profitability! Through our work together, my client learned to take better care of herself physically, mentally and emotionally. She also uncovered her true passion which involves the advocacy and care of animals. We are now developing and implementing a plan that will enable her to move full-speed ahead in this direction.

Are you ready to make your life a priority too? If so, let’s schedule a time to chat this week.

David G. Hans, Psy.D. • CEO and Founder

P.O. Box 31192, Santa Fe, NM 87594

Office: (505) 395-0864 • Cell/TXT: (505) 395-0864

E-mail: authenticlifedesigns@gmail.com

Website: http://www.authenticlifedesigns.com/

Thanksgiving is Gratitude

Thanksgiving is Gratitude

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Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.

Melody Beattie

I had the good fortune to work with a client recently who was experiencing many of the typical effects of being on this planet for almost 8 decades.  His energy levels had declined, his memory was hit or miss and his sense of joy was absent.  I spent several days with this man assessing his functioning, monitoring his daily routine and exploring his views on life.  During our time together, he made significant gains in mobility and in adopting and following a structured daily program of tasks and activities.  He did not, however, experience much improvement in his outlook on life.

I found his absence of joy and gratitude very curious given the accomplishments he had made during our time together.  While on one of our daily outings, I inquired about his current mindset and why he struggled to celebrate his recent accomplishments.  “I don’t really see any reason to celebrate or to be grateful for my current condition,” he said.  “I can’t do much of the things that I used to do and it’s frustrating,” he went on to report.  I responded by acknowledging his feelings and then asked the following question, “How would you feel if you were no longer able to walk or even remember the names of your wife and kids?”  He quickly responded, “That would be terrible!  Thankfully, that’s not where I’m at now.”  I then smiled at him and took the opportunity to introduce the concept of gratitude.

In explaining gratitude, I shared that gratitude isn’t an all or nothing, black or white concept.  I also shared that gratitude doesn’t have to be focused on something large or grandiose.  Being able to walk to the mailbox once again and to take his medications without his wife’s reminder were real accomplishments and cause for gratitude and celebration.  My client looked at me with surprise and I could see his mental wheels turning.  He really wanted to resist my observations because he expected than he currently had.  I turned towards him and said, “I believe we often forget to be grateful for what we have until we no longer have it.”  There was a long pause.  Then, my client sighed deeply, seemingly releasing his expectations for what he “should” be able to do.  “I am thankful for what I have and what I can do.  I can see that life could be a whole lot worse.  I’ve never really thought about it that way before.”

As we prepare for this Thanksgiving holiday, consider taking a minute to let go of the expectations for your future.  Maybe let out a big sigh like my client did – whatever it takes to bring yourself back to the present moment.  Life is not perfect.  Life just IS.  In recognizing this truth, maybe you too will appreciate all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you.  Thanksgiving is truly a holiday about GRATITUDE.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yoga benefits

Yoga benefits

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I recently returned from a trip to Baja California where I had the opportunity to preview a sustainable living offering. Each morning I begrudgingly exited my tent and joined my colleagues for an outdoor yoga session where we were greeted by the sun rising over the Sea of Cortez. While the sunrise itself was a spiritual and transformative experience, I soon discovered that the practice of yoga had much to offer as well.

Let me start by saying that I am hardly a yogi or even a regular yoga practitioner. In fact, my yoga experience to date has been limited to hot yoga which I consider vigorous exercise rather than a meditative or spiritual endeavor. So you can probably imagine my reaction to the slow, gentle yoga movements offered by our yoga instructor. “Sway with the wind and gradually make figure eights with your arms,” said the instructor. “Is this all we’re going to do?”, I asked myself. This is hardly a workout. For the next several minutes, I experienced moments of mild frustration, irritation and even thoughts that I should have stayed in bed for an extra hour instead of coming to class.

About 15 minutes into the session, my mind started to quiet down. I could feel my body stretching (not straining) and I marveled at the impact my breathing was having on my overall flexibility. This was becoming kind of fun and even somewhat interesting. I began to focus my attention on the tension in my neck and shoulders which I attributed to the soft pillow I had slept on the night before. As instructed, I breathed into these areas of tightness and discomfort. Miraculously, the muscles seemed to loosen; my shoulders were no longer touching my ears and I was breathing deeply without significant discomfort.

In recounting this experience, I am reminded that this was all happening in the midst of a class of 8-10 students. Mind you, my normal inclination in such situations is to compare myself to others and even to be somewhat competitive. To my surprise, these feelings were nowhere to be found. It was as if I were the only one in the class that morning. Let me correct that statement. While I wasn’t aware of the physical presence of the other students, I could definitely feel their kind, loving and encouraging energy. I felt held and supported as I inhaled deeply, standing on one foot with my arms extended to the sky. Did I actually perform these moves without falling flat on my face?

With each successive day, I found greater joy and connection through the yoga practice. I felt more connected to myself, my colleagues and to my surroundings. My senses seemed heightened and my energy was flowing freely. For a practice that started out as “hardly a workout”, I realized that yoga was far more than a physical practice or exercise.

Upon returning to Santa Fe, I took some time to educate myself on the breadth of benefits associated with the practice of yoga. For those of you whose curiosity I piqued with my story, maybe the following list of benefits will push you to give yoga a try.

  • Lowers cortisol levels
  • Increases flexibility
  • Enhances memory
  • Aids in sleeping more deeply
  • Increases muscle strength and tone
  • Improves respiration, energy and vitality
  • Helps maintain a balanced metabolism
  • Weight reduction
  • Cardio and circulatory health
  • Improved athletic performance
  • Protection from injury
  • Increases blood flow and aids circulation
  • Boosts immunity
  • Increases self-esteem
  • Prevents digestive problems
  • Improves balance
  • Helps with focus and concentration
  • Relieves depression
  • Improves metabolism
  • Eases asthma symptoms
  • Promotes connection to self and others
How to Improve Your Self-Esteem

How to Improve Your Self-Esteem

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As a psychologist, I am always looking for statistics or data that can help me to understand a problem. When it comes to low self-esteem, the data is not easy to find nor is it easy to validate. Part of the problem may be that many people who are struggling with low self-esteem don’t turn to professionals for help. Instead, they allow their health, careers and relationships to suffer for years and years.

Before proposing some steps that you might take to boost your self-esteem, let’s consider the definition itself. Self-esteem is defined as “a feeling of having respect for yourself and your abilities” or “a person’s overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth.” Essentially, we can think of self-esteem as a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Keep in mind, that the definition itself focuses solely on PERCEPTION.

The psychologist, Abraham Maslow posited that psychological wellbeing is not even possible unless the essential essence of a person is accepted, respected and loved by oneself and others. He further stated that self-esteem allows people to face life with more confidence, optimism and goodwill towards others. Based on these comments, you are probably beginning to appreciate the importance of healthy self-esteem. At the same time, you may also be wondering, “How is it that our joy and fulfillment is seemingly based on PERCEPTIONS?” The short answer is that, while genetic factors can shape our overall personality, it is more often our life experiences that determine our self-esteem. People who experience critical or negative assessments from family, friends or loved ones, will most likely develop low self-esteem regardless of any genetic factors to the contrary.

As I frequently tell my clients, your past does not have to determine your future. You have a choice to make. Are you going to rely on the statements of others to determine your value or worth or are you going to make that determination for yourself? Now that you more fully understand what hangs in the balance here, let me share with you some practices that can help enhance your self-esteem and, ultimately, your overall wellbeing:

  • Treat yourself with kindness and encouragement.
  • Remember that your thoughts and behaviors aren’t positive or negative. They exist to be observed not judged and, they can be learned from.
  • Celebrate your gifts and accomplishments – big or small.
  • Practice gratitude in every moment.
  • Treat yourself like the gift that you are.
  • Do something each day for the pure joy of it (without judgment or evaluation).
  • Practice selfless acts of kindness each day.
  • Keep in mind that your language determines your destiny.
  • Set clear and compelling goals for yourself and take massive action to achieve them.
  • Exercise and good nutrition contribute to physical wellbeing which, in turn, influences how you feel and how you feel about yourself.

Try incorporating some or all of these practices into your daily routine for the next 30 days. I can assure you that, based on my own experiences, you will start feeling greater love for yourself and others.

What is my life purpose

What is my life purpose?

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For the fun of it, I Googled “Find My Purpose” this morning and the search resulted in 353 million results! Clearly a lot of people have something to say about this topic. With all of the information available, both anecdotal and empirical, why is it that so many people seem to struggle with this question?

I suspect that part of the problem is the concept of “life purpose” itself. Life purpose is perceived differently by different people. Often times, people seem to have very grandiose ideas of purpose which is what can make their true purpose more difficult to see. We live in a society that has very specific ideas about which pursuits are meaningful and which are of value. This dynamic puts a lot of pressure on us to “find” a really good life purpose, as if it is something that requires sleuthing and active pursuit.

I think we can start with the premise that not all of us were placed on this planet to find the cure for cancer or to eradicate world hunger. A pretty obvious declaration, right? That certainly makes me feel better! Maybe this next statement will help you to feel even better too. Our purpose is within us and isn’t necessarily about doing at all. You get to uncover your purpose by living authentically; from your place of truth.

Some of the questions I have found most helpful on this journey of discovery are:

What do you wake up wanting to do each day?

If you could only do one thing today, what would it be?

What makes you happy and leaves you feeling fulfilled?

What are you truly good at?

What matters most to you?

When you are not “controlling” your life, where do your mind and body take you?

We are all on this journey of discovery; finding and living our life’s purpose. Don’t worry if someone seems to have greater knowledge or awareness of their purpose. It’s their journey, not yours. By paying attention and living a conscious and intentional life, your life’s purpose will organically unfold before you. Keep watching. The discovery will amaze you!

Sleep Hygiene

12 Improvements in Sleep Hygiene That Can Add Years to Your Life

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According to the National Sleep Foundation, more than 60 percent of adults experience a sleep problem several times per week. The psychological community has been saying for years that chronic sleep deprivation is one of the most significant and overlooked public health problems in the U.S. Did you know that poor sleep patterns impact memory, concentration, judgment, mood, metabolism and levels of stress hormones in the body? Additionally, insufficient sleep has been linked to increased risk of car crashes, poor work performance, heightened risk of high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, obesity and depression. People who chronically fail to get enough sleep may actually be cutting their lives short.

The following steps can help you to increase your nightly shut-eye and possibly extend your life:

• Strive for 8 hours of sleep per night.
• Develop a consistent bedtime routine that helps prepare your body for sleep.
• Go to bed at the same time each night and get up at the same time each morning.
• Avoid caffeine consumption after 2 p.m.
• Don’t drink alcohol within three hours of bedtime.
• Avoid heavy meals close to bedtime.
• Don’t go to bed thirsty.
• Exercise regularly, but preferably not within 3-4 hours of going to sleep.
• Cease using electronic devices 1-2 hours before bedtime.
• Get plenty of sunlight exposure in the outdoors.
• Don’t watch TV in bed.
• Keep your bedroom cool and dark

dieting

Dieting is NOT a Lifestyle

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In the U.S., we spend over $20 billion annually on weight-loss related products. This number is not all that surprising when you consider that over 100 million people go on a diet at least once in a given year.

How do we account for such outrageous statistics? I believe that there is actually a psychology to it. By design, most diets are focused on limitations and restrictions which are then experienced by dieters as deprivation. A deprivation orientation is NOT something that is sustainable, even for the most disciplined individuals.

Eating nutritious foods, being active and living a joyful and fulfilling life are important components of a wellness lifestyle. Embracing these components feels good and is positively reinforcing. There isn’t an end date for these choices. For example, we don’t do it until we lose 30 pounds or we get into our “skinny” jeans. These components become part of what we do and who we are. Can you now see the difference between a diet and a lifestyle? The underlying motivations are quite different.
The following are some research-based practices that can easily be incorporated into a wellness lifestyle:

• Drink plenty of water (8-10 glasses/day)
• Drink green tea
• Cut back on added sugar
• Don’t confuse thirst with hunger
• Eat fewer processed foods
• Keep healthy snack foods accessible
• Meditate to manage chronic stress
• Spend quality time with family and friends
• Eat spicy foods
• Play and have fun
• Eat breakfast
• Incorporate aerobic exercise & weight training into your weekly routine
• Eat more fiber
• Get at least 7-8 hours of sleep per night
• Eat lean protein at every meal
• Avoid eating after 7pm
• Eat whole, single ingredient foods

hope

Is There Hope For Our Most Significant Relationships?

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Yesterday I took advantage of the beautiful fall weather in Santa Fe to do a “walk and talk” with a good friend and colleague. We spent time catching up on our respective business practices as well as the latest and greatest updates related to the Birkman Method. As the walk progressed, we eventually transitioned into a discussion about the challenges clients face in finding and maintaining healthy primary relationships. Since both of us have been trained in the field of psychology, we spoke about the work of such researchers and theorists as Harville Hendrix, John Gray, John Gottman and Gay and Katie Hendricks.

What I found most interesting about the conversation was that, regardless of theoretical orientation, each researcher seemed to place importance on integrity, communication, connection and boundaries. Given this apparent consensus, I found myself wondering how is it that people acquire these skills and traits. I guess if you were fortunate, you had parents who modeled these behaviors while you were growing up. What about those people who weren’t so fortunate?

“In Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people marry by age 50. Healthy marriages have been shown to be good for couples’ mental and physical health. They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.” [Adapted from the Encyclopedia of Psychology]

Part of the answer to the earlier question lies in the statistical data. A significant portion of the population hasn’t learned how to be in a healthy relationship. Furthermore, having been in an unhealthy relationship doesn’t seem to be a strong enough impetus for people to learn from their mistakes. As a society, this presents us with a bit of a quandary. Without a conscious and deliberate effort to be different, we are likely to perpetuate a dynamic of unhealthy relationships for generations to come.

My hope is that as a society, we can start to become more curious about the impact of integrity, communication, connection and boundaries on relationships. I believe that curiosity, coupled with action, is our only hope for ensuring that our children’s futures (and relationships) are healthy ones. As a psychologist and wellness consultant, I feel very fortunate to be able to share my training and experience with others so that we might all live a more joyful and fulfilling life.