Blueprint for Living

It seems like I can’t go a day without reading or hearing someone talk about the benefits of mindfulness and living in the moment. On a practical level, I wonder what this means to the majority of the population. What does mindfulness get us exactly? How is it going to improve my life? These are questions that I think many people consider as they entertain the idea of living a more mindful existence.

Yesterday, I was working with a client who wanted to be more intentional in her daily living. She described feeling increasingly pulled by the demands of work and family and recognized that her life was not her own. What we discovered during the conversation that ensued was that she lacked a framework for making choices or decisions that were in her best interest in the moment. Consequently, she continually found herself being coerced into meeting the needs of others and never really giving much thought to what she wanted or needed.

In my work with clients, this “pleasing” dynamic is all too common. “If I can please the people around me, I will be happy.” Does this sound familiar? As a society, I believe we have turned our happiness and fulfillment over to others. We have set up our lives to feel fulfilled if, and when, the people around us are happy. It’s not surprising that so many of us walk around feeling “less than” or “not good enough.” The reality is that we have made our happiness contingent upon pleasing others – a very disempowering dynamic for sure.

Don’t be discouraged, there is hope! What my client discovered yesterday is that living mindfully is not a sufficient condition for feeling happy and fulfilled. In fact, without a clearly defined plan, changing one’s current situation is nearly impossible. It was at this point that we began to consider the following questions:

What are the needs you have that you rely on others to satisfy?
Can any of these needs be met by you?
What keeps you from meeting these needs yourself?
How would your relationships change if you were to meet your needs instead?

As we worked through these questions, it became apparent that my client had been harboring significant fears and anxieties that had fostered an unhealthy level of dependency on others. I could sense the beginnings of an awareness that my client could lead her life differently. Her model for living had been based on either deferring her needs or convincing others to meet them for her. This was the opening that we needed to bring the focus back to her needs and wants.

The next step in our process was to clearly identify and articulate my client’s needs and wants. Initially she struggled with this exercise because she had never felt like it was okay to focus on herself and what she needed – somehow this was viewed as selfish. In giving my client permission to embark on this exploration, she expressed feelings of freedom and optimism. Our session concluded with a homework assignment focused on identifying her hidden wants and needs. The following are a few of the questions that I asked her to consider before our next session:

What do you wake up wanting to do each day?

If you could only do one thing today, what would it be?

What makes you happy and leaves you feeling fulfilled?

What are you truly good at?

What matters most to you?

I chose to share some excerpts from this coaching session with you because it highlights the importance of having a life plan or blueprint for living. When we clearly articulate what we want and need in life, we are able to make healthier and more conscious decisions in the moment. Disrupting old patterns of behavior can be challenging, but it is made considerably easier when you combine mindfulness with a clear vision and course for your life. Having a trusted coach or advisor to support you can accelerate your journey towards greater happiness and fulfillment.